Mindset: The kids need me. I don’t have any help. I have no time for myself.

The Shift: Motherhood is a role, but you’re not just Mom. You are a person; an individual. If you don’t feel like you or you’re not even sure who YOU is anymore, grab a pen and paper. This post was written just for you.

Some of my suggestions may resonate, some may not. That is the beauty of making authentic decisions for your life. Focus on taking action with what resonates and leave the rest for someone else. Let’s reclaim your sense of individuality!

Mom Struggle No. 1: The kids need me.

Of course, they need you. That’s not the struggle here. Let’s break down what you might really be feeling:

Is there any guilt surrounding the need for time by yourself?

Are you afraid to let someone else care for your kids in your absence?

Do you worry about NOT being needed by your children?

Is there anything else coming up for you?

Mom Struggle No. 2: I don’t have any help.

Perhaps, this is true. Maybe you are a single parent. Maybe your spouse is not available. You need to create the help. (and we will get to that) For now, let’s break down your beliefs:

Are you unable to let go of control and delegate the care of your children to someone else?

Do you fear the cost of childcare?

Is there a story you are telling yourself about asking for help?

Is there anything else coming up for you?

I remember the overwhelm and the struggle.

And I remember the day I started to reclaim my individuality. I asked the hard questions. I found the help. I allowed myself the space I deserved. This was my process:

How to Take Time for Yourself:

You need to create a routine that includes self care. If you need a refresher on self-care, visit this post where I help you define your preferences. Consider your daily activities, the schedules of your children, meal times, etc. Start looking for the gaps to fit your personal time in. If you are the sole care-taker of your children, I highly suggest you invest in a home camera where you can monitor solo activities.

I use the Wyze Home System and it is still one of our best investments for the home. I vividly remember days of me monitoring my kids while sipping coffee in my bedroom, touched out and half-naked. (This is me giving you permission to do whatever the hell your soul is craving, by the way)

Shop Wyze Home on Amazon

The Wyze System connects with Alexa & Google Home. I personally, have the Wyze app downloaded on my phone and Ipad for anytime viewing.

Bonus, I can view the cameras when I’m not at home. This is the perfect way to bring peace when the kids are with a babysitter. Let’s talk about finding a sitter…

Hiring a Mother’s Helper

When my youngest children were two and under, I hired a mother’s helper to care for them in my home for a couple of hours during the day. This was a nice transition for me, because it meant that I was still able to stay at home while taking time for myself.

Maybe, like me, you are not ready to leave your children. Maybe you just want time to chill at home. Maybe you want to take a nap. Maybe you don’t need a reason for someone to come over and help. All of these are valid. A Mother’s Helper might be the perfect option for you.

I am a part of a local Facebook community of mothers. If you are not, I suggest searching Facebook groups for your area. There are many! Once in the group, I created a post describing my needs. Many mothers of teens replied with interest from their daughters. We chatted, interviewed, checked references and within a couple weeks I had found our sitter!

Two years later, my kids still enjoy when she comes to babysit. Except now, she is beginning college and our arrangement has transitioned to night’s out for Mom & Dad!

Allowing Your Spouse To Help

Notice how I didn’t say, “How to get your spouse to help.” The reason is simple: In my experience, you have to let go of control if you want to fully receive help. Does anyone actually enjoy the feeling of a micro-manager?

Think about it: if your spouse is not free to care for his children, he may resist doing anything for fear of stepping on your toes or getting it wrong. Let’s consider that he wants to please you. Why risk upsetting the order of things? Mom is the boss right?

Sit with that for a minute.

My Solution to Spousal Support

Let him try. You can set up the sippy cups. You can leave the notes. You can prep the snacks. But, at a certain point you need to let go of control and let him do his thing.

Have you ever seen the memes about “Hey kids, did you know that Dad can get you snacks too?”

Why do you think this is a thing? I have to wonder if it has more to do with your children seeing the Mom just doing everything herself, and less to do with the Dad not doing enough?

Releasing control: A work in progress.

Learning to delegate responsibility and release control was a process for me. In fact, it is still a work in progress. I have to encourage myself to accept help over and over.

The process of releasing control has shown my children that I trust them to figure things out for themselves. In turn, I open up free time for myself and they get to witness mom modeling independent behaviors.

As a result, we all get to grow.

Start Somewhere.

You know the day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit. But, you have to start somewhere. Plant those seeds mama. You will find your roots in no time.

Reach out with any questions or connect with me over on Instagram!